Boundaries as Self Care

Yes—boundaries are a form of self care. We owe it to ourselves to listen to what our mind and body needs, and to honor where we are at. Boundaries are not only important for self-preservation, but they help ensure that we practice healthy and direct communication in our relationships.

Image Source: Coach Ellyn

There are three typical boundary tendencies: Rigid, Healthy, and Porous/Weak. Boundary tendencies look different from person to person, and this chart is simply a tool to better our understanding.  

With rigid boundaries, we see uncompromising behavior that makes keeping and maintaining relationships difficult. We also see protective behavior, such as avoiding asking for help when it’s needed. Rigid boundaries can eliminate vulnerability in relationships and make communication extremely difficult.

Healthy boundaries are values-based. With healthy boundaries, we see behaviors that encourage intimacy and communication whilst also prioritizing self-preservation. Those who practice healthy boundaries say no to others when they need to, communicate their needs directly, prioritize their own values, and respect the boundaries of those around them.

Finally, weak /porous boundaries are negotiable to an unhealthy degree. We often see this boundary style in those who are struggling with people-pleasing. Weak boundaries put the needs and desires of another person before yours, and can often lead to disrespect and abuse. This may look like saying yes to everything, depending on validation from others, and oversharing.

Healthy boundaries help relationships thrive—your relationship with yourself, your relationships with others, and even your relationship with your community will benefit from healthy boundaries. When we take the time to really uncover what our values are, it becomes easier for us to say no to things we don’t align with. Preserving our energy in this way allows us to truly show up for our loved ones and our community as our best selves.

Of course, it’s easier said than done. You may try to set a boundary this week, and find that it upsets someone. If this happens, remind yourself that you cannot control the reactions of others, you can only control how you react, and what energies you decide to carry with you. People reacting poorly to a boundary is not inherently a sign of an unhealthy relationship or friendship, either. We are all living on this Earth for the first time, and societal norms condition us away from boundary-setting. Give yourself and your loved ones compassion as this occurs, allow for time to de-escalate, and re-communicate your needs firmly and kindly.

If you find that setting boundaries with your partner or loved ones is putting your physical or emotional safety at risk, know that this behavior is unacceptable, you are not alone, and help is available. You can get in touch with a DAP advocate via our first call line at 612-874-7063 x 232.

Boundary Setting Activities

Ins and Outs

“Ins and Outs” is a recurring social media trend where people make a list of “ins,” things they want more of this year, and “outs,” things they want to leave behind. They’re often funny and ironic, but we think this can be an excellent activity to help you uncover your personal values, as well as what boundaries you need to set.

This week, take a moment to sit down and think about your ins and outs in your relationships. Can any of the “outs” on your list become a boundary you can practice setting this year when it comes to how you engage in relationships, how you treat your partner or what you accept from a partner in your relationship?

Image Source: Anne Ditmyer

Boundary Jar

Once you’ve established your in and outs, you can begin practicing your boundary setting. You may already notice that you set small boundaries in your day to day life—maybe you told a friend you’re practicing actually voicing your wants and needs this year. You can start a “boundary jar” this year as an incentive to keep practicing. As you fill your jar up with small pieces of paper that detail the boundary you set, you will be able to see a physical manifestation of your own empowerment grow.

Instant Gratification

It goes without saying that we live in a social-media centered world. The power of instant messaging, instant shopping, and instant information at our fingertips has created a culture of instant-gratification. We no longer need to wait the routine route to receive what we are seeking—including our access to others. This is why it is more important than ever to ensure that we set digital boundaries.

It is not fair for us to expect others to respond to our messages immediately. These expectations keep us glued to our phones and prevent us from being present with our thoughts and emotions. Our creative passions, friendships with others, and relationships with ourselves all suffer from these constant distractions, as we continue to avoid what is really on our mind.

This week, try setting app time limits—and this time, don’t just click ignore! Instead of seeing app limits as a chore, or something you “have to do”—reframe it as an act of self-care. For example, we may change our internal dialogue from “Ughhh…I have to log off of TikTok now,” to, “I am going to honor my mental health by choosing to limit my time on this app.”

Another choice you can make is to set “no-phone” hours/days. For example, you may decide that on Sunday you will keep your phone in a drawer or lock box, and spend most of that day reading, exercising, drawing, etc. As you digitally detox, a feeling of restlessness and boredom is normal. Really sit with that feeling—it’s usually an attempt to escape an emotion you don’t want to process.

In conclusion, social media is a resource that can keep us connected, educated, and well-informed. There are many positives to social media, just as there are many negatives. We can get the most out of this powerful tool by setting boundaries that work for us, and sticking to them. Building and maintaining a supportive social community is vital to maintaining a healthy intimate relationship. When we have close friends and family that we see on a regular basis who know what we look and sound like when we are feeling and doing well, it is those same people that will notice when our mood and behavior change if something unhealthy is happening in our relationships. These in-person relationships that we build are who we turn to for help in times of need or truth about whether the relationship we are in is harmful to us or whether what we are doing is harmful to our relationship.

DAP Happy Hour at Bricksworth Beer Co.

Join DAP for a Happy Hour fundraiser at Bricksworth Beer Co., North Loop! $1 from every pint sold goes toward supporting families in our community who are impacted by domestic violence! See you there!

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